There are four stages of marriage: honeymoon, power struggle, death zone and partnership

2022-08-09 0 By

I was deeply impressed by a counselor who said, “Marriage is all about losing enthusiasm in exchange for stability. After three years, the husband will only treat the wife like a refrigerator.You open it, you eat it, you don’t fix it when it’s broken.There are so many ingredients in my marriage: sex, possession, obedience, stability, security, and so on.I thought it was love, but maybe it was just an excuse for sex, a need for security, a deception for possession, a structure for stability.It’s all for him!”This is her idea of marriage.Everyone’s understanding of marriage is different. I don’t know how you think about your current marriage.There are four stages of marriage: the honeymoon phase, the power struggle phase, the death zone phase, and the partnership phase. The first stage of marriage is the honeymoon phase.It was a time of honey, when you and your partner were newly married, as if you had found the one.As soon as you see the man, you can’t help being intoxicated.You are attracted to your partner, you are infatuated with them, it feels like you have found true love and can live happily ever after.Unfortunately, all honeymoons are short-lived, and few last longer than a year.Gradually, you will wake up from the feeling of falling in love.You start to feel dissatisfied with your partner. It may be that he doesn’t pay attention to you, love you, and take care of you.Or he fails to understand your emotional needs, or you discover new flaws in your partner.Suddenly the honeymoon glow is gone from your partner and you realize that he may not be the ideal partner for you, he’s just a human being with a lot of flaws!And then you have power play.It’s awful to be in a power struggle — like when someone Yanks you out of your warm bed and you’re standing in the snow in winter.During the honeymoon period, you will feel warm and well cared for by your partner.When it comes to power play, you may find that warmth from all sides of your partner starts to fade.Over time, you may even forget the warmth of the honeymoon period.I’ve seen couples in power struggles fight every day and both claim the other never loved them.Obviously, they have forgotten the sweetness and warmth of marriage at the beginning, and are used to the cold marriage.”I never loved him or her” is the most common statement, which simply indicates that the good moments of intimacy have been deeply forgotten.We’ve all had a honeymoon, even if it was brief, because that’s how all relationships start.If your marriage is numb and cold right now, try to remember how it started — when you felt loving, happy, joyful, carefree and light-hearted. Do you want to go back to that?All couples who claim (or feel) that their partner doesn’t love them anymore are saying, “You’re not taking care of my needs. You’re not giving.”The person accused of not caring will try to prove, “I’ve always cared about you, and I’ve been giving all these years!”The couple then had a never-ending debate about how much each person was giving and how little.Each person is trying to convince the other that he’s the one who’s giving the most, and each person is yelling and trying to get the other person to listen.This is the power struggle period, when you find yourself in a rift with your lover, who suddenly doesn’t seem to be the person you love and love anymore!I always thought: from this moment on, the real marriage begins between you!From the time I decided to study marriage, to the years of focusing on infidelity counseling.I rarely meet a couple who don’t fight at all. Sometimes I do meet a couple who are polite and respectful to each other.But there are very few couples who don’t fight at all, and those couples are either not close enough or have different agendas.The minority marriages we’re not going to study today, but the majority marriages.All arguments are fundamentally rooted in deep beliefs!It could be fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, feelings of unworthiness, self-hatred, or anything else we don’t want to feel.Because I’ve been involved with a lot of cheaters, I’ll give you some examples from cheaters: For example, you may initially think your partner will always protect you and care about you, but you find that he often ignores your needs.He often forgets and disregards things as you command him;When you’re in a bad mood, she talks too much… You feel disrespected by your partner and don’t care, and the fight starts.It seems that the quarrel is just because he forgot your instructions, but in essence, your quarrel is because you feel that you are not valued!So you fall into the trap of arguing about how to get your own needs met and how to force your partner to change their behavior to make you happy.When you ask your partner to take full responsibility for your needs, this is where blame and anger often begin.What you don’t realize is that you are an adult and the only person responsible for your needs is you!The argument ends when one party can meet the other’s needs.Another consequence of this is that the person whose demand is being met becomes increasingly dependent on the person who provides it.Because the mood is to consume energy, the dependent person will feel more and more tired, more and more pressure!The dependent thinks there is something in his or her partner that makes him or her feel loved, or noticed, or secure.It’s like a parasitic relationship in biology, and it is!Rely on slowly lose dignity, need to constantly prove that the other side care about themselves, and even will die pestering rotten dozen, play to rely on.The dependent will slowly feel that the dependent has no value, especially when the dependent began to make trouble without reason, she has no value and attraction completely!In order to escape this intertwined, parasitic, energy-demanding relationship, the dependent may move away from the family and develop another loving home.At the same time, in order to avoid more emotional energy consumption, the dependent will try to minimize their emotional fluctuations and force themselves to be rational.At this stage of marriage, the infidelity rate is very high!There are two kinds of solutions to this problem: one is for the dependent.For people who are used to being dependent on their partner, you must learn to take care of your own needs and not take from your partner.This means that you need to learn to mature emotionally and stop letting the fragile thoughts inside you influence and control you.”He doesn’t care about me!””, “I don’t matter, I don’t care”, “Nobody loves me, I’m just a woman with a yellow face”.People don’t care about you. It’s up to you to respect yourself and meet your own needs.That is, you have to be valuable to yourself first and foremost and provide value to others.The other is for the dependent.For people who have been dependent for a long time, you need to try to change your mind.Maybe your partner who has been conditioned to depend on you is emotional because she is vulnerable inside and needs to keep proving her importance to you.She gets it all, but only by acting emotional and rolling around will you stop reasoning with her.Trust me, when you think you’re not making sense with her, she’ll think you’re not understanding her.You both feel unheard and disrespected by each other.But the more you try to make your case, prove yourself right.The more insistent one will be, the more insistent the other will always be, the more insistent he will be, and unwilling to show weakness!For couples, I would argue that you, at this stage, can try to let go of your beliefs.Noticing if your relationship is in a power struggle is a crucial first step to dramatically improving your relationship.Seeing your partner as an equal is a big step forward.Believe me, arguing is never the way to solve problems, so don’t try to fight your way out of problems or change your partner’s behavior.This is fundamentally wrong!The last two stages of marriage, and there’s something else that I’ll cover in the next article.I’m Miss Zhang, hoping to use my experience to help you solve your problem!Here are my years of counseling: The six best stages for fixing an affair